Workshopaholics Anonymous




	My movies were the kind they show in prisons and airplanes, because nobody can leave. Burt Reynolds

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Workshopaholics Anonymous

Paul Bassett Davies: "WHY NOT BE A WRITER?" demands a long-running advertisment designed to make you feel guilty if you happen to catch sight of it with a hangover.

Well, I can think of three good reasons:

1. There's no money in it.

2. It's a miserable existence and you never meet anyone.

3. Except other writers, who tend to be unpleasant, embittered drunks.

But the advertisment begs to differ. "Since taking your course," writes Mrs Gough from Stroud, "I have made thousands of pounds selling fiction to women's magazines. Recently, my short story 'Dr Fothergill Pops the Question' was optioned by Spike Lee."

That's the trouble with correspondence courses - they encourage dishonesty. Especially in the people who run them. It's very difficult to verify any of the claims they make and you've got no way of knowing if the feedback you get is really being written by a 'much-published professional author' or if it's being provided, like everything else these days, by a Polish builder. Not that I've got anything against Polish builders, except that they earn more than professional authors; but I suppose that's only fair as a lot of them have a better grasp of English.

No, what you need is a workshop. Only in a workshop learning context can you experience a truly interactive personal encounter with a genuine failed writer. However, there are now quite literally a huge number of workshops on offer, many claiming to know, and be able to teach you, too, how to write a better sentence than one like this one. Therefore, as a service to readers of this column, I present the following overview of some of the types of product on the market. But I must declare an interest: I run writing workshops myself. Of course, I'm a highly succesful practitioner, while most workshops are run by people who've never written anything more important than a cheque to the dating agency which they hoped would introduce them to the type of person they're too dysfunctional to encounter in their non-existent social life, and who'd then give them a reason to go out once in a while instead of sitting at home every evening, obsessively analysing the story structure of the Star Wars series. But, hey, don't go running away with the idea that I'm brilliant and everyone else is total pants. That's my idea, so you can just run straight back here with it, thank you very much. However, my assessment of other people's workshops is completely fair and objective. And if you believe that, you possess an imagination so powerful and vivid that you don't need anyone's workshops. Otherwise, here are some of the typical courses on offer:

Workshops galore

The Thirty-Nine Steps

This workshop is run by a top screenwriter, or possibly a top screenwriting consultant. Basically, you spend two days sitting on a hard red plastic chair, listening to someone you've never heard of drone on about how fabulous they are. Hollywood legend Bud Schlitz (originally Derek Pratt, from Sevenoaks) explains that formulaic approaches, like the old three-act structure, or the laughably outdated twenty-one step analysis, simply aren't valid tools to get your screenplay green-lit. The only thing that works is his unique thirty-nine step dynamicbreakdown. This is illustrated by elaborate diagrams with arrows connecting overlapping and concentric circles labelled: 'Sub-genre Paradigm', 'Societal uber-context', 'Mentor Figure's Influence Sphere', and 'Contra-flow system on the A38.'

Dash it All.

This highly specialized workshop is subtitled: "Unleash the Hidden Power of Punctuation to Create a Sure-Fire Blockbuster."

In Module One, the tutor examines the creative use of the semicolon in the screenplay for 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. Modules 16 to 28 analyse the significance of dots, finally resolving the bitter dispute that's torn the industry apart: Hesitation - Three Dots or Four?

By Module 40 you begin defacing your course study notes, as follows:

MODULE 40: BRACKETS.

1. When to use brackets. (Never.)

2. When to use square brackets. [Forget it, you sad little man.]

3. What about those funny curly ones? {No. Just get a life, okay?}

The Myth of the Wounded Anti-Writer's Journey.

This course uncovers the Mythic Resonance of the Hero's Journey that forms the Deep Structure of all successful films. Except Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Learn the Thirteen Principles of Dynamic Storytelling. Then discover the Nine Master Principles behind them. Then unearth the Six Secret Archetypes concealed underneath the Master Principles. Then discover the Wounded Heart of the Sneaky Antihero hiding in a motel owned by the Secret Archetypes. Finally, confront the most potent myth of all - that any of this stuff is a good reason not to finish the screenplay you've been writing since 1987.

The Untold Hidden Secrets of Writing, Pitching and Retiring on Your Screenplay that are Completely Secret and Hidden from Everyone Except Me.

This workshop reveals the Hollywood insider secrets that are absolutely guaranteed to sell your script. The forceful, charismatic tutor is a true maverick who promises to rip aside the veil of hypocrisy surrounding the film industry, slit open its soft, quivering underbelly, and slap its hot, throbbing intestines as they tumble into a plastic bucket. He teaches that success depends on actualizing your potentiality and validating your self-worth by being rude to people. Assertiveness is everything. Movie executives go for winners, he claims, so, in meetings, you must establish dominance over producers and development lackeys by implying that the writer is a free, unfettered spirit while they are miserable salary-slaves who've prostituted any integrity they may have possessed. Gradually, you realise that the tutor, who is clearly self-medicating, is an unsuccessful writer who's been driven insane by envy, and developed a cunning strategy to ensure that every other writer in the world screws up their career even more than he did so that he might finally have a chance. He is giving you the worst advice he can think of.

How to Get Ahead in the Workshop Business.

This course reveals the insider secrets to success in promoting your workshop.

Step One: Persuade a website like this one to allow you to write a column.

Step Two: Use the column to shamelessly plug your product and rubbish everyone else.

Step Three: Er, that's it.

Paul Bassett Davies is a writer and director of Euroscipt.