LIST THE AREAS THIS WRITER NEEDS TO FOCUS ON TO IMPROVE THIS IDEA.
1. First and foremost, there just isn’t enough material here for a full-length feature film. The plot needs to be greatly expanded and deepened if it is to be viable.
2. It would help the reader to believe in the characters as individuals if they are given names – and maybe brief descriptions - rather than being referred to as “the boy”, “the girl”, “the man in the suit”, “the guy from work”, etc – which makes them all seem a bit generic.
3. It isn’t necessary at this stage to use a couple of paragraphs to explain the thinking behind the story and its themes – these should emerge naturally and be fairly plain from your telling of the story.
4. The ‘fight club’ aspect of the story seems a little fanciful and takes the story away from realism, and the writer’s stated aim of tackling “stage-managed playground violence, the sort that is filmed and broadcast over the Internet”. Surely this is never anything like as elaborate as the underground world depicted here?
5. Is “the man in the suit” a credible antagonist? Can we really believe that social workers are as conniving as this – wanting not only to turn their female charges into bare-knuckle fighters but also to abuse them sexually? Can he be made more believable?